Life and Ministry

So last night I was reading Sub-merge and I came across a story that really struck me. There are stories from different InnerChange staff interspersed in the book, and this one really resonated with me. I feel like it speaks very clearly about something I've struggled with for a while, something that anyone who desires to do ministry or to really help others in any way can struggle with, I think. I'm just gonna type a chunk of it here-- hope that's okay . . . really want to share it . . . from pages 216-220 of the book . . . In Innerchange, every 7th year is a sabbatical year for missionaries-- I'm assuming this took place during his sabbatical year . . .

(Going on a run with his dog, asking why he never did that in the previous 6 years of ministry . . . realizing he didn't because he was so busy with ministry
--> imaginary conversation with his dog)

''Isn't that what incarnational ministry is all about? Your ministry is your life?''
''That's how you've been doing it for six years! In fact, the opposite is true: Your ministry is not your life; your life should be your ministry.''
. . .
''When ministry is your life, you will give when you have nothing to give, work when you should be resting, neglect that which should be your greatest priority, and ultimately loathe the very people you are called to love. In short, when ministry is your life, you have no life to offer to others and nothing but ministry to invite others into.''
. . .
''On the other hand, when your life is your ministry, all of life becomes a sacrament before God: your work and your rest, your eating and sleeping, your generosity and your neediness, your care for your body and the environment, your trivial pastimes and your greatest accomplishments . . .
'' . . . Without a fully lived life, what you present to God and to others is one-dimensional and incomplete. The lost are compelled to follow Christ when they see how you do life-- how you treat your children, where you buy your groceries, how you care for your neighbors-- not how much you do ministry.''
''So all those times when I skipped lunch and pulled all-nighters for the sake of ministry--''
''The people you were discipling saw a man living a life of destruction.''
''Then what did people learn from me?''
''How to live an unbalanced, chaotic life of ministry that ruins the soul rather than nourishes it.''
''And if I had dropped what seemed so important to go for a run or to cook lunch?''
''Your followers would have seen a man unapologetically living the kind of abundant life Jesus calls us to.''

In life in general, I think it is so easy to wear ourselves out for the sake of work, other people, ministry, you name it . . . but it's so important to remember that I am weak, that I am human-- I need rest and that is a good thing. If I am living a life of burnout and yet hope that people will want to join me, will want to believe in the same God I believe in and want to serve and follow Him, what am I really saying to them? That Jesus wants them to live lives of burnout too? That Jesus doesn't really have lives of abundance for them, only lives that should be full of ministry, of always giving to others? As I have thought about the next chapter of my life, God has really challenged me on this subject . . . is it okay for me to want blessings for myself? to not just live my life as a single woman who pours herself out for others all the time? And God has over and over again told me yes. He is not a harsh taskmaster. He is a good Father. He wants to fill me with his love and then let me love others out of the overflow of that love.

In college, someone gave me the picture that I am not a pipe through which blessings flow to other people, but a cup which should overflow with love for others. At the time, it was hard for me to really understand that, why it wouldn't be good to just pour myself out for others, but I have grown to see more of what that picture means both for myself and for those around me. For myself, that means that I need to be filled and also that God has love for me specifically, apart from my service to others. Also, as the story above describes, the way I live my life affects how others see God's love. If I am acting like a pipe, never allowing myself to receive blessings, to rest, to really enjoy life, then others who I am trying to love may see God's love in that way-- that He doesn't really want children whom He can bless, but only workers for His mission. And that is so not true. Yes, God wants us to obey Him, but He calls us as His children and friends, not as servants. He cares about our well-being just as much as He cares about the well-being of the people we are serving, whether that is street children or people in convalescent homes or children in our classroom or our friends and family. And the converse is true-- He cares about others just as much as He cares about us.

I want to know God and His love for me, how much He has forgiven me and changed me, so that I may love others with that same love-- not with a selfish love, not a love for my own purpose, or because I need others to like me or I need to feel good about myself for doing good things, but because I have come to know the source of love and have been changed and cannot help but overflow with love for each person I meet, cannot help but want them to know the same transforming, pure love that I have gotten a taste of. As Psalm 34:8 calls people to do, I want to be able to call people to ''taste and see that the LORD is good.'' I want them to see that ''blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.'' Not that the LORD is demanding and that tired is the man who tries to follow him. Jesus, would you teach me how to live such a life-- a life that is grounded in your goodness and points others to your mercy and love.