It's been a while . . .

It's been a while since I've written about what we've been doing. Partly that's because God's been doing so much in me-- showing me a lot about myself, etc . . .

Some rambling about what God's been showing me
Last Tuesday (so a week and a half ago) I shared my timeline-- something all of us have done or will do at some point while we're here. Our timelines include important events whether good or bad-- things that have shaped us and brought us to where we are today, made us who we are today. It was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I knew that the past few years had been hard, but I didn't plan on it being so hard to write about them-- especially about what happened at Audubon my second, and last, year there. Between writing it out, sharing it, and processing it afterward, including at the retreat we just got back from yesterday, I feel a lot better about it all now. I feel a lot more closure. No, I still don't know all the reasons why the admin decided to treat me the way they did, but that's okay. Something I wrote in my journal-- you can agree or disagree-- ''Evil and pain aren't meant to be understood, they are meant to be overcome and healed.'' Anyway, somehow I feel free to not be weighed down by that anymore. I got to cry and release my students to God-- they are not my burden to carry-- whether they are provided for, graduate from high school, stay out of drugs, gangs, etc . . . that is not my burden. I was in their lives for a year and am not any more. But God is still watching over them. In general, it is good to care and to be moved to action for others, but we were not meant to take their burdens as our own, upon our shoulders-- only God can handle the weight of the world. I cannot. I cannot fix LAUSD or the problems of poverty or other issues in LA. All I can do is be faithful where God has placed me to love those around me and bring their burdens to God. Jesus said to cast our cares on Him. It is not noble to be weighed down by the weight of the world-- at least for me, I realized it was more prideful than anything. It is difficult and humbling to release my burdens for others to Him-- to acknowledge that no matter how much I care, I am powerless to change their situations. It is almost easier to stay focused on those large burdens than to simply love the people right in front of me-- I mean really love them . . .

Living out of Love
Just thought of the quote from Princess Bride-- ¨love, true love . . .¨If you're a fan you'll know what I'm talking about, if not, just forget about it ;) Seriously, though, I feel like God's been challenging my view of what love really is-- what it looks like to love others.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ---1 Corinthians 13:1-7

It really hit me to read the part I put in bold-- how often have I done things for the poor or desired to do more . . . but have I had love? In this passage, Paul is clear that we can do those things and still not have love! How incredible is that! Just because I'm working for the poor does not mean that I am full of love-- I could be full of pride or be acting out of guilt from not being poor myself . . . I know I still have a lot to learn about what it means to truly love, but I thank God that He is challenging me in this. The world needs more of Jesus' love, not just more activists and people working for causes-- not that those are bad, but the more I see of the world, the more I am convinced that in order for change to happen, people need to change-- and people change through love. We don't just need better laws or school boards or policies, as good as all those things can be, we need more people living and acting as Christ did. That is what will transform communities, societies . . . yes, that takes a long long time. That is what Innerchange focuses on-- building relationships with people, loving people, hoping for change in people-- it is the long road . . . But it is also the one that will be sustained the most, I believe.

More and more, rather than just desiring to work for justice and to serve, I want to be a woman of God's love. And maybe that love will drive me to work for justice, or to serve, or maybe it will drive me to simply listen to my neighbors or wait patiently for God to guide me . . . I have realized more and more that I need to be driven out of love, not out of my own desire for justice or to make a difference in the world or out of any burden or guilt. A pastor once told me to differentiate between compassion and cause . . . and it made me pause and question-- do I have true compassion for people or am I more just committed to the cause of seeing justice, of seeing things be made ''right''? Being committed to a cause can be dangerous because then we can start using people as a means to an end-- especially if they don't fit in with our idea of our cause. If our cause is for the homeless, then anyone who is not homeless can be used as a means to our end to help the homeless . . . it can even get to the point where the only reason we care about them is to try to convince them to join our cause and if they don't we just complain about how they ¨just don't get it¨. I know I've been guilty of that in some ways. Oh God, help me love people as you do-- somehow, Jesus loved all people in the way they needed to be loved-- He did not just use people for his own end. He told the rich young ruler to sell all he had because he loved him (Mark 10:21), not because he needed money for his own cause. It is hard to be convicted about something, whatever it is, and feel like other people don't understand or aren't on board . . . but our job is not to try to convince people-- whether it's to follow Jesus or vote for a certain candidate or be excited about serving the poor-- it is to love them. The greatest commands are to love God 1st and to love others 2nd (Matthew 22:37-40). In all I do, I want to love others-- whether they agree with me, whether they are in line with my convictions or not. I need God's help for that!! Amen?

The boys
Javier is one of the shoeshine boys we're getting to know here. He's 22-- seems like he's much younger. He smells like glue a lot-- definitely is hooked on it. From just reading about him, he would seem to be hopeless, but he is one whom we have all come to love. He now greets us with a kiss on the cheek. We have seen small changes in him. And pray and hope for more!

Valerio is another boy we've gotten to know. He has changed so much since we first saw him. Amelia just pointed that out today as we were eating lunch with him. When we first saw him, he was very distant . . . and he told Amelia he did not want to play soccer. Now, he smiles a ton, he wants to come to soccer tonight-- he told Amelia that now he has ¨ganas¨to play-- that we have given him ganas-- ''ganas'' means the desire or more so the will to do something, I think. We just started a photo project and he was one of the first 3 we introduced it to. We're going to give them disposable cameras and let them take pictures of their lives to then tell their stories. Not only will it help us get to know them, but moreover, it will give them a chance to talk about their lives in a way that they can feel proud about who they are rather than feeling the shame that is poured on them so much. Valerio jumped up and down last night when we told him about the project and he was so excited to start taking pictures today. I pray that God will continue to move him forward, toward Himself, toward healing, toward wholeness and sobriety, toward joy.

Jose is unique among the boys who live at the house I keep referring to. He studies during the day and goes to school in the afternoon/evening. He gets very good grades, as far as I can tell is not into any drugs of any sort, and likes reading the Bible. One day Kelly and I went to help him with his homework and came in to find him reading Proverbs because he had already finished his homework. He works a little to pay for school, I think, but believe that there's some plan for a scholarship for him-- was trying to understand the conversation happening in Spanish today when we were at the house-- think that's what they were talking about. Last week, Jose came to soccer with us, but since his school ends at 5:45, we picked him up from school on our way to the place we play soccer. And he was so happy-- he never has anyone to pick him up from school, but last week, Julio went in to look for him-- yes, Jose, you are wanted, you are valuable, we are here for you-- just for you. And then, we got to see his amazing soccer skills-- that boy is really good!

Juan-- another boy we've gotten to know-- when Kelly and I ran into him last week and were talking to him, he just kept looking down. German said that is common because they feel so much shame about who they are, what they are doing. And I made a connection as I watched him shine a man's shoes-- the man didn't look at him at all, it's such a subservient position to be in-- and then I thought of Jesus-- he put himself in the same position those boys are in when he washed his disciples' feet. If he was here now, I believe he would wash the feet (or shine the shoes) of the boys here . . . imagining that . . . yes, you are worthy of having someone else serve you.

Haven't seen Domingo in a while-- wondering about him-- I think he is Juan's brother-- wonder how he is doing.

Prayer Requests
--for the boys we're working with-- freedom from addiction, a greater desire to be healthy, more of a knowledge of God's love for them, to receive God's love through us
--for continued health and safety for our team
--to be able to connect well with each other and the boys as we finish out the next 2 and a half weeks, especially as we do the photo project
--to be able to listen and follow God's leading each day
--for me especially- to be able to be fully present here even as I am really looking forward to coming back home

The End
Ha, wow, that was long-- there's so much more I could write, but already I'm amazed if you made it to this point! Thank you for caring about me and God's work here! Thank you for reading my rambling! Please feel free to comment or email me back. Thank you those of you who have!