We're backin the US!

Just wanted to post quickly that we're back in the US-- made it through 16 hours of traveling (car and plane) to get back to San Francisco for debrief. We'll be here till Friday morning and then I'll be heading back to LA this weekend. Thank you, everyone, for all of your prayers and comments, emails, and messages. I look forward to seeing those of you in LA again soon and others of you hopefully in not too long!! And I'm hoping to have a lunch or evening or something where I can show pictures and tell more stories and stuff-- hopefully sometime before October. I'll try to figure that out in the next few weeks. Other than that, this might be my last blog entry, so if you want to know more, give me a call, email me, go with me to get some helado (ice cream-- I'm not a fan of coffee), or come to the thing I'm planning. Blessings!!

like Jesus

This will be really brief. I'm not totally sure what happened to the boys in my previous post-- heard from Javier that they're fine-- really hope that's true!

Just wanted to write about yesterday quickly-- at one point Kelly, Amelia, and I were in parque central talking with two of the boys. They were sitting in the chairs that customers sit in to get their shoes shined. Amelia sat down on the box where the ''lustradores'' sit to shine their customers' shoes and asked one boy to teach her how to shine his shoes. Then Kelly did that with the other boy sitting at the nearby chair. I wrote earlier about how if Jesus was here, he'd be washing the feet of these boys or at least shining their shoes. Yesterday, I saw Jesus in my teammates as they shined the shoes of those two forgotten, lost, beloved children of God.

''Solo quiero amar a mi hermano''

That means ''I only want to love my brother.'' That's what one of the boys named Rene wrote on his picture above drawings of himself and his brother when he was asked to draw something that represented his future. Rene was the first boy (young man) we met here. He wants to go to school but keeps getting pulled back into his addiction to alcohol. Monday I saw him and he was looking at a paper with math problems on it (a page for kids out of the newspaper). He was sober, waiting for work-- men to come who needed their shoes shined-- in parque central. So for about 15 minutes, I helped him and Javier with math. He's sharp, I thought, if he could stay clean, I think he could actually learn a lot and have a lot of possibilities.

Then last night, I almost cried when I saw him-- all disheveled, definitely not sober . . . then he started drawing that picture and wrote that line-- in his future all he wants to do is love his brother-- wow. He said his brother is in the states-- hasn't seen him in 3 years . . .

Then today, we found out that for some reason that still isn't clear to me, he might be put in prison for 3 months-- something about him drinking last night (would have been after the art time I'm guessing) and being accused of taking someone else's papers-- don't know-- he and Valerio were together-- so both of them might be taken to prison-- won't find out till tomorrow I guess-- we'll see if we see them or not, and what other kids tell us. Sigh. Damn addictions. Taking away their lives, their futures, their hope. Rene looked so scared when we saw him today-- when he told us about possibly going to prison-- seemed as if he was a little kid-- think he's really around 20. Sigh. I know there is hope. I know God has hope, so I won't despair, but I am sad. Very sad. A young man, who is really a boy inside, who was rejected by his own father (wrote about that in a previous post), who just wants to go to school and love his brother, but who is trapped by his addiction. Sigh. Praying for God's power in his life. Even if I don't get to see his redemption, I hope and pray it happens . . . I have hope in the Lord-- the only place I can find to hope-- in Him who works miracles, brings freedom . . . HOPE for Rene, God, please . . .

Life and Ministry

So last night I was reading Sub-merge and I came across a story that really struck me. There are stories from different InnerChange staff interspersed in the book, and this one really resonated with me. I feel like it speaks very clearly about something I've struggled with for a while, something that anyone who desires to do ministry or to really help others in any way can struggle with, I think. I'm just gonna type a chunk of it here-- hope that's okay . . . really want to share it . . . from pages 216-220 of the book . . . In Innerchange, every 7th year is a sabbatical year for missionaries-- I'm assuming this took place during his sabbatical year . . .

(Going on a run with his dog, asking why he never did that in the previous 6 years of ministry . . . realizing he didn't because he was so busy with ministry
--> imaginary conversation with his dog)

''Isn't that what incarnational ministry is all about? Your ministry is your life?''
''That's how you've been doing it for six years! In fact, the opposite is true: Your ministry is not your life; your life should be your ministry.''
. . .
''When ministry is your life, you will give when you have nothing to give, work when you should be resting, neglect that which should be your greatest priority, and ultimately loathe the very people you are called to love. In short, when ministry is your life, you have no life to offer to others and nothing but ministry to invite others into.''
. . .
''On the other hand, when your life is your ministry, all of life becomes a sacrament before God: your work and your rest, your eating and sleeping, your generosity and your neediness, your care for your body and the environment, your trivial pastimes and your greatest accomplishments . . .
'' . . . Without a fully lived life, what you present to God and to others is one-dimensional and incomplete. The lost are compelled to follow Christ when they see how you do life-- how you treat your children, where you buy your groceries, how you care for your neighbors-- not how much you do ministry.''
''So all those times when I skipped lunch and pulled all-nighters for the sake of ministry--''
''The people you were discipling saw a man living a life of destruction.''
''Then what did people learn from me?''
''How to live an unbalanced, chaotic life of ministry that ruins the soul rather than nourishes it.''
''And if I had dropped what seemed so important to go for a run or to cook lunch?''
''Your followers would have seen a man unapologetically living the kind of abundant life Jesus calls us to.''

In life in general, I think it is so easy to wear ourselves out for the sake of work, other people, ministry, you name it . . . but it's so important to remember that I am weak, that I am human-- I need rest and that is a good thing. If I am living a life of burnout and yet hope that people will want to join me, will want to believe in the same God I believe in and want to serve and follow Him, what am I really saying to them? That Jesus wants them to live lives of burnout too? That Jesus doesn't really have lives of abundance for them, only lives that should be full of ministry, of always giving to others? As I have thought about the next chapter of my life, God has really challenged me on this subject . . . is it okay for me to want blessings for myself? to not just live my life as a single woman who pours herself out for others all the time? And God has over and over again told me yes. He is not a harsh taskmaster. He is a good Father. He wants to fill me with his love and then let me love others out of the overflow of that love.

In college, someone gave me the picture that I am not a pipe through which blessings flow to other people, but a cup which should overflow with love for others. At the time, it was hard for me to really understand that, why it wouldn't be good to just pour myself out for others, but I have grown to see more of what that picture means both for myself and for those around me. For myself, that means that I need to be filled and also that God has love for me specifically, apart from my service to others. Also, as the story above describes, the way I live my life affects how others see God's love. If I am acting like a pipe, never allowing myself to receive blessings, to rest, to really enjoy life, then others who I am trying to love may see God's love in that way-- that He doesn't really want children whom He can bless, but only workers for His mission. And that is so not true. Yes, God wants us to obey Him, but He calls us as His children and friends, not as servants. He cares about our well-being just as much as He cares about the well-being of the people we are serving, whether that is street children or people in convalescent homes or children in our classroom or our friends and family. And the converse is true-- He cares about others just as much as He cares about us.

I want to know God and His love for me, how much He has forgiven me and changed me, so that I may love others with that same love-- not with a selfish love, not a love for my own purpose, or because I need others to like me or I need to feel good about myself for doing good things, but because I have come to know the source of love and have been changed and cannot help but overflow with love for each person I meet, cannot help but want them to know the same transforming, pure love that I have gotten a taste of. As Psalm 34:8 calls people to do, I want to be able to call people to ''taste and see that the LORD is good.'' I want them to see that ''blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.'' Not that the LORD is demanding and that tired is the man who tries to follow him. Jesus, would you teach me how to live such a life-- a life that is grounded in your goodness and points others to your mercy and love.

not so simple questions

Puedes comprarme un helado? (Can you buy me an ice cream?)

That's what Javier asked Kelly and me today as we were sitting talking with him (in the hot sun).

A simple request, yes? But one that brings up a lot of issues in order to answer.

It only costs 2 quetzales, which is about 25 cents, begging the question, well, why not?

Why did we say no? Many reasons.

·There are 2 other boys we've been working with who are also nearby. If they see us buy Javier ice cream, they'll ask for some too. Then everytime we see them, they'll expect for us to buy them ice cream or something else.

·We are here to support German and Carla as they work here. It would not be good to set precedents which they cannot continue, which would leave the kids disappointed. They cannot buy the kids ice cream all the time so that is something we shouldn't do.

·The biggest reason for saying no for me seems somewhat harsh but necessary I think. All the boys do make money. But many of them spend what they do earn on glue and/or alcohol. Javier is one who smells like glue often. So we know that he is spending his money on that. I don't understand the reasons he does, don't understand the difficulty of addiction for him, but I do believe that simply buying treats for him is not the answer. I pray he will feel loved but also will realize that he needs to take responsibility for his life. He's 22! I pray that God will somehow bring him to a point where he desires to be healthy and take responsibility for his life more than he wants the high he's used to getting. I know it is very hard but I also know that it is possible. I know God can break addictions. And German and Carla have several school scholarships they are just waiting to give kids-- they have to be able to trust that the kids will actually go to school and stay clean. So if he could get free from his addictions, he would have hope for a different life. But he has to want it, yeah? And I don't think getting free ice cream would increase his desire for freedom from his addiction at all.

Porque vas a dejarnos? (Why are you going to leave us?)

That's what Valerio asked me as I was talking to him (just before the helado request). How do you answer that? What I said was that (in Spanish of course) ''we came to meet all of you and will not forget you.'' But, dang, that's hard. We came here a month ago and started meeting these kids who no one else in society cares about and now, just as we're getting to know them and they're getting more comfortable with us, we're going to leave. That was a question I had about this trip even before I came. It was something I wrestled with-- God, won't it just be worse for us to come, start to love them, and then leave them? Wouldn't it be better for them for us not to go at all? Will they remember us leaving them more than us being there? And you know, I don't have all the answers to that. I pray that we are planting seeds of love that will later be watered by others. I pray that the kids remember our love and not just how we left them. But in the midst of my prayers, I know that I don't know what will happen. All I know is that I know I was supposed to be here. And it is up to God to continue the work here, just as he was doing before we came. Even though we have to leave them, God will not leave them. Hmm, I shared Romans 8:38-39 this morning in our team devotional . . . and just thinking about how it might be good to share with them . . . yes, we have to leave, yes distance separates us. But nothing separates us from God. I don't know how they would take that. I don't know if they could understand that or if that would just make them mad. I don't know what their experience with God has been up until now. But I do know that that is true. God is not leaving Xela when the 5 of us do-- because He loves this city. He has called German and Carla here to show His love to the people here and he is calling others as well. It is true that the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. I pray that God will send more and more workers to this city even as the 5 of us leave in a week and a half.

Juan and Francisco

Something we can buy for the kids is atol (like a thick corn soup). After the conversations with Javier and Valerio, Kelly and I walked by Juan and Francisco. I've mentioned Juan before, I think-- he looks down at the ground more than he looks at us. Francisco is a newer boy to Xela. He comes from the same town that Juan comes from. When we saw the two boys, we decided to ask them if they wanted to get atol, and they said yes. So we went and sat down at a nearby stand and had atol together. They taught us some of their native language of Quiche and we asked them about their families, school, the soccer team . . . found out that Juan goes to school on the weekends back in his home town. So he's a 13 year old kid, living in the city on his own during the week to make money for his family and then going home on weekends to go to school. He said his favorite subject is math and that he wants to get a job using math one day. So far I haven't seem him use glue or anything. I pray that he isn't and doesn't start! As we talked, he actually started looking at us more than he had. But he still looked down a lot. I looked down too, and saw his shoes that had holes in them-- completely falling apart, and his pants that were tearing near the ankles as well. The hat he wears doesn't stay closed anymore (it's one of those adjustable hats with velcro-- think the velcro just doesn't work anymore. Francisco has been very quiet and closed off to us, so we're trying to interact with him as much as he'll let us. He sat for about 5 minutes, talked a little with us, said thank you and then went back to work (at a cart selling CD's-- think he may do that in addition to shining shoes-- maybe different days). He is 12. My little sister is 12. Wow. Crazy to think about that.

Miguel

Sigh. Miguel is one of the first boys, er, young men, we met. I think he's 23 or somewhere around there. He actually has a job in a shop somewhere. And he doesn't sniff glue. And he seems very smart and respectful. German wants to give him one of the scholarships to go to school. But, the problem is that he drinks a lot. The first few weeks we were here, everytime we met him, he at least seemed sober. We heard that he would drink at night but never saw him do it. But then over the past week or so we haven't seen him as much, and then 2 days ago, Amelia and Melanie saw him in the afternoon and he was very drunk. It was very sad for them to see him like that. And sadder still that he's so pulled into alcohol. He has an opportunity to go to school, to do what he wants to do (he has said he wants to go to school!), but his addiction has a stronger hold on him than his desire for that opportunity. Sigh.

Oh Jesus, would you bring your power and set these young men free from these addictions, from these things that are wasting away their lives. They need your help.

Prayer requests

-Please pray for the older boys-- Javier, Valerio, and Miguel. For freedom from addiction, for desire to change, to see what opportunities they could have, for more knowledge of God's love and power in their lives.

-for the younger boys-- that they would not get into those drugs that at first may help them feel better but will take over their lives if they get addicted.

-for people on my team-- for continued hope and joy as we see situations that may not seem very hopeful & as we think about leaving, about coming home- it is hard thinking about leaving these boys here & it is going to be hard to go back home after having lived here for 6 weeks (reverse culture shock!). Please pray for God's help as we adjust to being back home.

-for German and Carla-- as they continue God's work here-- for encouragement, wisdom, open doors, patience, provision, protection, and joy

-for Melanie and Julio-- as they plan to come back here sometime within the next year-- for provision and guidance for them

It's been a while . . .

It's been a while since I've written about what we've been doing. Partly that's because God's been doing so much in me-- showing me a lot about myself, etc . . .

Some rambling about what God's been showing me
Last Tuesday (so a week and a half ago) I shared my timeline-- something all of us have done or will do at some point while we're here. Our timelines include important events whether good or bad-- things that have shaped us and brought us to where we are today, made us who we are today. It was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I knew that the past few years had been hard, but I didn't plan on it being so hard to write about them-- especially about what happened at Audubon my second, and last, year there. Between writing it out, sharing it, and processing it afterward, including at the retreat we just got back from yesterday, I feel a lot better about it all now. I feel a lot more closure. No, I still don't know all the reasons why the admin decided to treat me the way they did, but that's okay. Something I wrote in my journal-- you can agree or disagree-- ''Evil and pain aren't meant to be understood, they are meant to be overcome and healed.'' Anyway, somehow I feel free to not be weighed down by that anymore. I got to cry and release my students to God-- they are not my burden to carry-- whether they are provided for, graduate from high school, stay out of drugs, gangs, etc . . . that is not my burden. I was in their lives for a year and am not any more. But God is still watching over them. In general, it is good to care and to be moved to action for others, but we were not meant to take their burdens as our own, upon our shoulders-- only God can handle the weight of the world. I cannot. I cannot fix LAUSD or the problems of poverty or other issues in LA. All I can do is be faithful where God has placed me to love those around me and bring their burdens to God. Jesus said to cast our cares on Him. It is not noble to be weighed down by the weight of the world-- at least for me, I realized it was more prideful than anything. It is difficult and humbling to release my burdens for others to Him-- to acknowledge that no matter how much I care, I am powerless to change their situations. It is almost easier to stay focused on those large burdens than to simply love the people right in front of me-- I mean really love them . . .

Living out of Love
Just thought of the quote from Princess Bride-- ¨love, true love . . .¨If you're a fan you'll know what I'm talking about, if not, just forget about it ;) Seriously, though, I feel like God's been challenging my view of what love really is-- what it looks like to love others.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ---1 Corinthians 13:1-7

It really hit me to read the part I put in bold-- how often have I done things for the poor or desired to do more . . . but have I had love? In this passage, Paul is clear that we can do those things and still not have love! How incredible is that! Just because I'm working for the poor does not mean that I am full of love-- I could be full of pride or be acting out of guilt from not being poor myself . . . I know I still have a lot to learn about what it means to truly love, but I thank God that He is challenging me in this. The world needs more of Jesus' love, not just more activists and people working for causes-- not that those are bad, but the more I see of the world, the more I am convinced that in order for change to happen, people need to change-- and people change through love. We don't just need better laws or school boards or policies, as good as all those things can be, we need more people living and acting as Christ did. That is what will transform communities, societies . . . yes, that takes a long long time. That is what Innerchange focuses on-- building relationships with people, loving people, hoping for change in people-- it is the long road . . . But it is also the one that will be sustained the most, I believe.

More and more, rather than just desiring to work for justice and to serve, I want to be a woman of God's love. And maybe that love will drive me to work for justice, or to serve, or maybe it will drive me to simply listen to my neighbors or wait patiently for God to guide me . . . I have realized more and more that I need to be driven out of love, not out of my own desire for justice or to make a difference in the world or out of any burden or guilt. A pastor once told me to differentiate between compassion and cause . . . and it made me pause and question-- do I have true compassion for people or am I more just committed to the cause of seeing justice, of seeing things be made ''right''? Being committed to a cause can be dangerous because then we can start using people as a means to an end-- especially if they don't fit in with our idea of our cause. If our cause is for the homeless, then anyone who is not homeless can be used as a means to our end to help the homeless . . . it can even get to the point where the only reason we care about them is to try to convince them to join our cause and if they don't we just complain about how they ¨just don't get it¨. I know I've been guilty of that in some ways. Oh God, help me love people as you do-- somehow, Jesus loved all people in the way they needed to be loved-- He did not just use people for his own end. He told the rich young ruler to sell all he had because he loved him (Mark 10:21), not because he needed money for his own cause. It is hard to be convicted about something, whatever it is, and feel like other people don't understand or aren't on board . . . but our job is not to try to convince people-- whether it's to follow Jesus or vote for a certain candidate or be excited about serving the poor-- it is to love them. The greatest commands are to love God 1st and to love others 2nd (Matthew 22:37-40). In all I do, I want to love others-- whether they agree with me, whether they are in line with my convictions or not. I need God's help for that!! Amen?

The boys
Javier is one of the shoeshine boys we're getting to know here. He's 22-- seems like he's much younger. He smells like glue a lot-- definitely is hooked on it. From just reading about him, he would seem to be hopeless, but he is one whom we have all come to love. He now greets us with a kiss on the cheek. We have seen small changes in him. And pray and hope for more!

Valerio is another boy we've gotten to know. He has changed so much since we first saw him. Amelia just pointed that out today as we were eating lunch with him. When we first saw him, he was very distant . . . and he told Amelia he did not want to play soccer. Now, he smiles a ton, he wants to come to soccer tonight-- he told Amelia that now he has ¨ganas¨to play-- that we have given him ganas-- ''ganas'' means the desire or more so the will to do something, I think. We just started a photo project and he was one of the first 3 we introduced it to. We're going to give them disposable cameras and let them take pictures of their lives to then tell their stories. Not only will it help us get to know them, but moreover, it will give them a chance to talk about their lives in a way that they can feel proud about who they are rather than feeling the shame that is poured on them so much. Valerio jumped up and down last night when we told him about the project and he was so excited to start taking pictures today. I pray that God will continue to move him forward, toward Himself, toward healing, toward wholeness and sobriety, toward joy.

Jose is unique among the boys who live at the house I keep referring to. He studies during the day and goes to school in the afternoon/evening. He gets very good grades, as far as I can tell is not into any drugs of any sort, and likes reading the Bible. One day Kelly and I went to help him with his homework and came in to find him reading Proverbs because he had already finished his homework. He works a little to pay for school, I think, but believe that there's some plan for a scholarship for him-- was trying to understand the conversation happening in Spanish today when we were at the house-- think that's what they were talking about. Last week, Jose came to soccer with us, but since his school ends at 5:45, we picked him up from school on our way to the place we play soccer. And he was so happy-- he never has anyone to pick him up from school, but last week, Julio went in to look for him-- yes, Jose, you are wanted, you are valuable, we are here for you-- just for you. And then, we got to see his amazing soccer skills-- that boy is really good!

Juan-- another boy we've gotten to know-- when Kelly and I ran into him last week and were talking to him, he just kept looking down. German said that is common because they feel so much shame about who they are, what they are doing. And I made a connection as I watched him shine a man's shoes-- the man didn't look at him at all, it's such a subservient position to be in-- and then I thought of Jesus-- he put himself in the same position those boys are in when he washed his disciples' feet. If he was here now, I believe he would wash the feet (or shine the shoes) of the boys here . . . imagining that . . . yes, you are worthy of having someone else serve you.

Haven't seen Domingo in a while-- wondering about him-- I think he is Juan's brother-- wonder how he is doing.

Prayer Requests
--for the boys we're working with-- freedom from addiction, a greater desire to be healthy, more of a knowledge of God's love for them, to receive God's love through us
--for continued health and safety for our team
--to be able to connect well with each other and the boys as we finish out the next 2 and a half weeks, especially as we do the photo project
--to be able to listen and follow God's leading each day
--for me especially- to be able to be fully present here even as I am really looking forward to coming back home

The End
Ha, wow, that was long-- there's so much more I could write, but already I'm amazed if you made it to this point! Thank you for caring about me and God's work here! Thank you for reading my rambling! Please feel free to comment or email me back. Thank you those of you who have!

Unexpected Quiet

Quiet . . . stillness . . . hard to come by here. This is the first internet cafe I've been in that's been quiet-- I think really the first place I've been to here that is quiet and feels still. It's very simple-- a small room with computers on either side-- somehow, the noise from the street doesn't make its way in here much. Sigh. I've definitely been feeling the presence of people and noise to a degree I don't in LA. I just want to sit here and take this feeling in. No music playing, no cars honking, no dog barking, no parrot talking, no kids running around, no people talking, no tv on. And the woman who works here seems very sweet. Ah, silence. This morning, I went up to a church that we walked to yesterday-- found that it has a nice open space in front of it where you can see the hills above and the houses below-- so I went and sat there this morning to pray. I am very thankful to have found that spot. But it still was not as quiet and still as this place is. I've had so many thoughts running through my mind-- but somehow in this place I feel like even those thoughts have taken a rest. ¨Be still and know that I am God.¨I actually feel like I can be still here and just rest in God's presence-- what an unlikely place-- a random internet cafe in the middle of the city.